Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
