NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
