WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
