my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
