Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
