Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
