Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
