She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
