If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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