then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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