Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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