i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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