I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
