he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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