life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
