Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize