Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
did i walk over a car last night?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
