I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
