One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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