We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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