have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
