You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
