my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sext me about skeletons
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
