i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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