I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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