There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My dick has a subreddit
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
