I wish I could teleport
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
