White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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