Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
