Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I intend to get homeless drunk
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
tell me about the fingering
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