Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
