I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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