The maid of honor just puked.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
