So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
honey bunches of taint.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
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I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
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My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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