Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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