my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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