It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
