well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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