did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
