Your dad touched me again.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
