MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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