Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
