I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
