Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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