overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
