nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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