Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
