is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
