i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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