I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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