At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
