Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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