Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
