Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
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it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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