Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
