She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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