i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
