They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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